


to wait for you is all i can do

by iamertrash



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1940s, Angst, Artist Steve Rogers, Character Death, Drinking, Flashbacks, I'm Serious, Letters, Loss of Parent(s), Love Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Pining, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Romance, Sketches, World War II, tonies don't interact, will update slowly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-04-04 08:33:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14016369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamertrash/pseuds/iamertrash
Summary: Steve had been madly in love with Bucky for longer than he’d care to admit. He didn’t remember falling in love, he just remembered being in love.That's why it was even worse to watch Bucky being sent off to war, without Steve.





	1. Chapter 1

‘’Sergeant James Barnes, of the 107th, shipping out for England first thing tomorrow.’’

 

Steve’s heart sank. Tomorrow? He’d been dreading that day ever since Bucky first went into training. Bucky was so strong, and smart, he had to get drafted eventually. And now that the US had entered the war, of course he was going.

 

Oh, how Steve wished he could go. But he was short, frail and weak. He had heart troubles, scoliosis, asthma and he was partially deaf, which didn’t work out well for anyone. Much less a soldier. Steve had registered for the war many times, but with no luck. He was just meant to watch from the sidelines.

 

‘’You okay, pal?’’ Bucky spoke up.

 

‘’Yeah it’s just- I didn’t think it’d be so soon.’’

 

Bucky smiled. ‘’Me neither. I’ll miss you.’’

 

Bucky always maintained eye contact when he spoke to Steve, a habit which he’d acquired because of Steve being partially deaf. The only other person who had made sure to do that was his mother.

 

Bucky’s eyes lit up. ‘’I’ll write to you! Like we did while I was training. It’s not the same thing as being there with you, but it’s better than nothing.’’

 

Steve smiled. ‘’Yeah, it is.’’

 

\---

 

A week without Bucky, and Steve’s heart ached.

 

He’d asked around, and it normally took around a week for soldiers to get to England, so Bucky should have arrived by now. Bucky had told him that if Steve hadn’t received a letter within a month, Bucky would be dead. Just some reassuring words to part on. Steve had never felt so lonely. The apartment felt emptier, bigger, without Bucky’s presence radiating throughout. There was still a bit of Bucky’s scent left in his room, but it was fading fast. The only time Steve had been away from Bucky this long was when he was in training. That had been a hard 4 months, but they always had their letters. But since Bucky had trained in America, the letters only took around 2-3 days to deliver, so he had at least two letters a week. That was about to change, drastically.

 

Steve and Bucky told each other everything. Or, almost everything.

 

Steve had been madly in love with Bucky for longer than he’d care to admit. He didn’t remember falling in love, he just remembered being in love. That’s why it always hurt when Bucky brought another girl home, it hurt when Bucky told him he could get Steve a date when the only person Steve wanted to date was Bucky. But Bucky was a heartbreaker. He was handsome, charismatic and fit. No wonder everyone around him swooned whenever he said a word, Steve included. Steve was lucky to even be his friend.

 

But Bucky didn’t know. He couldn’t know, when he was so obviously straight. And even if Steve did tell him, and Bucky felt the same way, there was nothing they could do about it.

 

\---

 

_1930_

Steve gulped as he stood up. He was really in for it now. He acted quickly, picking up the lid of a garbage can to defend himself. He hadn’t even said anything this time. He was just himself. He didn’t really have any friends. Twelve year old kids didn’t want to play with a kid who couldn’t even run a few feet without having to stop and catch his breath. He’d also had to miss so much of school, simply because he was sick. All the time.

 

The boy punched his face again, but Steve could barely feel it. He was numb at this point.

 

‘’Hey! What are you doing? Leave him alone!’’ an unknown voice chimed in. Steve looked up. It was a boy. He looked a little older than Steve, maybe a year or two.

 

‘’Yeah? And what will you do to stop us?’’ one of the bullies smirked.

 

‘’Just- why don’t you pick on someone your own size?’’ the boy walked towards them and kicked a bully in the shin. He cried out with pain and ran away. The other bullies followed, not wanting the same treatment.

 

The boy turned to Steve and smiled. ‘’You okay pal?’’

 

Steve nodded. ‘’Y-you didn’t have to do that.’’ he stuttered as he felt his cheeks go red.

 

‘’You should thank me, they were about to finish you off!’’

 

Steve put down the lid and stood up straight. ‘’Thank you.’’

 

The boy grinned. ‘’What’s your name?’’

 

‘’Steve. Steve Rogers.’’

 

‘’I’m James Barnes, but you can call me Bucky.’’ The boy said, rather quietly. Steve instinctively turned his hearing ear towards him.

 

‘’My name is James Buchanan Barnes, but you can call me Bucky.’’ Bucky said louder, and maintaining eye contact, having picked up on the sign. ‘’Do you want to take a walk?’’

 

\---

Steve exited the diner, waving goodbye to the waitress. He’d been going there most nights. His cooking was questionable at best, he could barely make himself some toast. Besides, the staff was good company while Bucky was away. A lot of them were in the same situation as him, with friends, family members or partners at war.

 

The diner was also a great place to sketch. Different people every day, in various situation. In the two weeks he’d been alone he’d already drawn a woman with a crying, wrinkly baby, two teenage boys, dreaming about becoming soldiers and an old couple, worried about their son. His sketchbook that had been full of Bucky before, now had people from all over the city.

 

He unlocked the door to his apartment and stepped inside. He turned on the lights and threw his sketchbook onto the couch. It opened to a sketch of Bucky, from three months ago. They’d gone to the park, to have a day for themselves and Bucky had fallen asleep on the grass. Steve couldn’t resist drawing his peaceful form. His eyelashes were thick and long and his nose beautifully curved. His cheekbones were defined, and he had a soft and peaceful smile on his face. Bucky had slept for a few hours, which had given Steve enough time to perfect the sketch. Bucky never knew about that sketch, or any of Steve’s sketches of him, for that matter.

 

Steve sat down and flipped through his sketchbook. The chalk on some of the older ones was smudged, adding a shadow to the pictures. Steve flipped all the way to the beginning. The first photo he’d drawn of Bucky looked lifeless. Sure, it looked like Bucky, but it wasn’t _Bucky._ Bucky was full of life, he was enthusiastic and he had a sparkle in his eyes. Steve hadn’t captured any of that. He flipped on to the next one, the pictures becoming more lifelike the further back he went. His hair grew, his cheekbones became more prominent and his smile got wider and wider. In one of them he had a black eye, after helping Steve get out of yet another fight. Steve couldn’t help but smile. His sketches of Bucky were his favourite. He wasn’t proud of many things he made, but those were one of them.

 

\---

 

_March 26, 1943_

_Steve_

_We arrived in England yesterday. It’s bleak here, the war has already taken a great toll. I’m not allowed to tell you details of our conditions or what we’re doing, but what I am allowed to say is that I’d much rather be at home, with you. I know that our place gets cold, and it leaks when it rains, but it’s way better than this shithole._

_I went out to the bar last night with some guys from my unit. Their names are Gabe and Timothy, but we call him Dum Dum. I think you’d like them. They told me about their girls, and I told them about you. Not that you’re my girl, but you know what I mean. If we all get out of this alive, I’ll introduce you._

_I miss you, Steve. A lot. I’ll send you something, if I find something good. Don’t get your hopes up though. Not much to find here. I hope you don’t miss me too much. Please, get out of the house and talk to people. And don’t get into any fights. I can’t protect you from an ocean away._

_I hope you’re doing well._

_Bucky_

Steve read the letter again. And again. When he had read it enough he folded it and walked into his bedroom. He pulled a box out from underneath his bed. Inside the box were all the letters he’d received from Bucky while he was at basic. He gently placed the letter into the box and closed it again. He sighed. It was April 15th. The letter had taken a little over two weeks to arrive. That meant that he’d be hearing from Bucky once a month, twice if he was lucky.

 

He grabbed a pencil and paper and started writing.

 

**April 15, 1943**

****

**Bucky**

**I’m glad to hear from you. I have been quite down since you left. Things just aren’t the same. The apartment feels bigger and emptier and Brooklyn feels like an entirely different place. If I hadn’t lived here my whole life, I’d feel like every day was my first time here.**

**In case you were wondering, the girls still won’t look at me. It’s like I’m invisible. Not that it matters, it’d just be nice to feel appreciated.**

**I really don’t know what to write. I just don’t feel like there’s anything important in my life, currently. I go to work, I eat at Judy’s diner, and I draw. That’s about it. Hey, good news! I haven’t gotten into any fights since you left. That counts for something, right?**

**Those guys, Gabe and Dum Dum, sound alright. I’m sure that if you like them, I’ll like them. I can’t wait for you to introduce me to them. I can’t wait for you to come home.**

**I’m sending a drawing that I made for you. It’s the view from the kitchen window, above the sink. Just so you can look at something familiar, for once. I hope you like it.**

**Steve**

 

\---

 

_1936_

‘’Steve.’’ Bucky shook him awake.

 

‘’What?’’ Steve opened his eyes. Bucky was looking down at him. He looked like he’d been crying. Steve’s heart fell.

 

‘’Is she-?’’

 

Bucky nodded. ‘’I’m so sorry.’’

 

Steve couldn’t breathe. His mother was gone, forever.

 

‘’In her sleep. She’s in a better place now, Stevie.’’

 

Steve stood up and ran into his mother’s bedroom. There she laid, pale and lifeless. Steve felt like his world was crashing down around him. He’d known this was coming for weeks, and he’d been told what to do, but he didn’t remember that now. All he knew was that that was his mother, dead on the bed. He kneeled by her bed and took her hand.

 

‘’I’m so sorry ma.’’ he whispered. ‘’I should’ve been better, I should’ve worked to pay for your treatments. It’s my fault and I’m so so sorry.’’ He was sobbing and shaking. He felt Bucky’s hand on his shoulder. He kneeled beside Steve. He was sobbing quietly too.

 

Bucky pulled Steve into a tight hug. Steve leaned into him, sobbing into his shirt. They sat there for an hour, until Steve was all out of tears.

 

\---

 

_April 30, 1943_

_Stevie_

_I’m glad to have heard from you. Thank you for the drawing! It’s beautiful. Not that the view from the kitchen window is anything spectacular, but you made it gorgeous. Your art never fails to impress me, Stevie. You never fail to impress me._

_I’m glad you haven’t gotten into fights. The thought that you might be hurt and I’m not there to help you pains me. I hope you continue to stay out of them._

_I looked around for something to send you, but I haven’t found anything. I hope that’s okay. My words are hopefully enough._

_Everything in your life is important to me, Steve. Please, write me about anything. I’m sure it’s more interesting than this shithole. And please, send more drawings. Of anything. Your art makes me happy._

_I’m sorry for how short this is. I’m expected elsewhere in five minutes, so I don’t have much time._

_I hope you’re well._

_Bucky_

_\---_

**May 12, 1943**

**Bucky**

**I heard of the mission you went on. That was well done. I wish I could’ve been there. There’s truly nothing here, if you’re not here. I’m still staying out of fights. Maybe I just went for those fights out of spite. To prove myself. But since you’re the only person I want to prove myself to, I guess there’s no reason to fight.**

**I sent another drawing, it’s Judy’s diner. I think that looking at something familiar helps, when you’re dealing with a lot of stress. And I can’t even imagine how stressful the army is.**

**You don’t have to send me anything, really. Don’t worry about me.**

**My life still isn’t exciting. I saved up for a couple art classes, so that’s really the only thing happening right now. And I’ve gotten better at cooking! Expect a five course meal when you get back.**

**Miss you**

**Steve**

**\---**

Bucky chuckled.

 

‘’What’s so funny?’’ Gabe yelled across the room. ‘’We could all use a laugh, why not share it with us?’’

 

‘’It’s just-‘’

 

‘’Another letter from Steve?’’ Dum Dum chimed in.

 

Bucky smiled, which was enough to give it away.

 

‘’Oh dear, spare us then.’’ Gabe sighed. ‘’I’ve listened to you go on and on about him for weeks, I don’t know if I can handle any more. I wouldn’t be surprised if I woke up in the middle of the night to you talking about him in your sleep.’’

 

Dum Dum laughed, Bucky went red.

 

‘’Yeah, whatever.’’ he muttered.

 

‘’Come on Barnes, you know we were just kidding. I admire your friendship with Steve, I really do. I wish I had something like that.’’ Dum Dum patted him on the back. ‘’You miss him, don’t you?’’

 

‘’A lot.’’

 

\---

 

Steve walked up to his apartment to see a load of boxes outside the apartment next to his. A woman with a child in her arms walked up the stairs and went to unlock the next apartment. The child was looking at Steve curiously. Steve smiled, and the child smiled back.

 

‘’Excuse me, could you maybe- help me unlock the door?’’ the woman spoke up.

 

‘’Oh, yeah sure!’’ Steve replied and grabbed the keys from her hand. ‘’I’m Steve by the way. I assume we’re neighbours?’’

 

The woman smiled. ‘’I’m Laura and this is my son, Carter. We just moved in.’’

 

‘’Hi Carter!’’ Steve waved at him. ‘’How old is he?’’

 

‘’He’s two.’’ Laura smiled at her son. ‘’Do you live alone?’’

 

‘’Well, at the moment I do. I usually live with my best friend but he’s in the military. He was drafted a few months ago.’’

 

Laura nodded. ‘’My husband too. I was wondering, if you’re not busy, if you could maybe help me out with these boxes?’’

 

‘’Of course! Just let me drop off my stuff and I’ll be right over.’’

 

\---

 

‘’Do you want some coffee?’’ Laura motioned Steve to sit down.

 

‘’Coffee sounds great, actually.’’ Steve sat down. He felt a soft touch on his arm. He looked down to see Carter smiling at him. ‘’Hey there little guy!’’ He smiled at him.

 

‘’He likes you, Steve.’’ Laura said as she sat down with two cups of coffee. ‘’Milk, sugar?’’ she asked.

 

Steve shook his head. ‘’Your husband, what’s his name?’’

 

Laura smiled. ‘’Thomas. Thomas Ryan. What about your friend?’’

 

‘’James Barnes, but I just call him Bucky. We’ve been best friends since we were kids.’’

 

‘’I’d love to meet him one day.’’

 

‘’He’d like you a lot. And Carter, too.’’ Steve took a sip of his coffee. It was black and bitter, just how Steve liked it. ‘’How long has Thomas been overseas?’’

 

‘’Since ’42. He wanted to be a soldier ever since he was a kid.’’

 

‘’Me too.’’ Steve said quietly.

 

‘’Then why aren’t you one?’’ Laura asked.

 

‘’Well, I have asthma, scoliosis, heart troubles and bad hearing. Not the ideal soldier.’’

 

Laura chuckled. ‘’No, I guess not.’’

 

\---

 

_1938_

Bucky took Steve’s hand as he broke into a coughing fit.

 

‘’The doctor said he’d be here today, I swear to god I’m going to smack him.’’

 

Steve was too weak to say a word, so he just smiled. Or tried to.

 

He was white as a sheet, and drenched in sweat. He was shaking uncontrollably and his temperature was through the roof.

 

Steve was dying. Bucky had tried to take care of him because Steve couldn’t afford a doctor and refused to take Bucky’s money. But Bucky had had enough, and eventually called a doctor, much to Steve’s protests.

 

Steve looked over to Bucky, and he saw tears in his eyes. Steve squeezed Bucky’s hand, and smiled as he closed his eyes.

 

‘’Steve?’’ Bucky sobbed. ‘’Steve, are you alright? I mean obviously you’re not alright, but-‘’

 

‘’Am fine’’ Steve managed to whisper.

 

‘’Steve, the doctor will be here soon, he’ll help you, it’ll be okay, you’re going to live’’ Bucky said, with a hint of doubt in his voice.

 

Steve shook his head as his eyes closed shut.

 

‘’Steve, please, stay with me, please, I can’t live without you, please don’t go.’’ Bucky cried. Steve’s hand was soaking wet from Bucky’s tears. Bucky held Steve’s hand to his heart. ‘’Stevie, you have to live, please-‘’

 

Steve heard a knock on the front door as he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

\---

 

_June 26, 1943_

_Steve_

_I’m sorry for a late letter, I haven’t had time to write. I went on a really difficult mission and we lost a lot of men. It was terrifying._

_I’ve changed a lot, Steve. Even in these few months I’ve been away. The first time I had to kill a man, I had to close my eyes. Everyone flinches during the first couple times. But now, I don’t think about it. I don’t even blink. That’s not right Steve, and I hate myself for it. I feel like I don’t deserve to go home, because of what I’ve done. The only reason I even keep fighting, is you. I don’t do it for myself, or for America. Fuck America. It’s all for you._

_I’m so scared that I’ll come home and you won’t even recognize me. It’s my biggest fear nowadays. I don’t know what I’d do with myself. I’ll feel like I did all this for nothing. Is that selfish? I don’t really care if it is, because it’s the truth._

_I hope you’ll recognize me, if I come back. If you still like me, then I’ll feel like this was worth it._

_I hate it here. Every second. Every face. Every time I see a gun, I’m tempted to point it towards my heart, and just pull the trigger. But then I think of you. I think of how you’d always keep going, and how disappointed you’d be. And that’s enough to stop me. But the thought is always there, in the back of my mind. It’d be so easy to just leave. But then I’d also be leaving you. And that’s the last thing I want._

_Please tell me you don’t spend every day holed up in the apartment. It’s not good for you. Promise me that you’re leaving the house at least once a day. That’ll make me feel a little better._

_I hope you’re well._

_Bucky_

 

\---

 

**July 23, 1943**

**Bucky**

**Of course I’ll recognize you when you come home. I don’t care that you’ve changed, you’ll always be Bucky to me. Truth be told, if you hadn’t changed at all I’d be a little scared. I don’t blame you for feeling those things, I’d feel the same.**

**A few weeks ago a woman named Laura and her son Carter moved in next door. We’ve become quite close friends (she even trusts me to babysit Carter!). She’s lovely, I think you’d like her very much. Her husband is also fighting. His name is Thomas Ryan, if you ever hear about him.**

**We celebrated the fourth of July together by going to a barbeque down the street. It was wonderful, but it would’ve been better if you were there. I hope you got to do something special.**

**I’ve thought quite a lot about what you wrote. It hurts to know that that’s how you feel and there’s nothing I can do about it. You’ll make it through this, I promise. And I’ll be at home, waiting.**

**Today’s drawing is from the fourth of July barbeque. It was very rushed, but it has a charm to it. I hope you like it.**

**Steve**

**\---**

‘’I’m telling y’all, my lady is the prettiest in Massachusetts.’’ Dum Dum spoke up to the groans of the other soldiers.

 

‘’Since she’s the prettiest, why would she ever associate herself with you?’’ Gabe laughed.

 

‘’Because I’m the best flirter in all of Massachusetts!’’ Dum Dum exclaimed. Gabe burst out laughing, despite Dum Dum’s confused look.

 

‘’I’ll believe that when I see it.’’

 

‘’I’m telling you, if we went to any bar in Europe, the ladies would be all over me, no matter that I don’t speak their language. They’d be lining up to smooch this pretty face.’’

 

Bucky chuckled as he examined his hands. They were dry, cracked and dirty. He hadn’t washed them properly for a few days, and there certainly was no lotion on hand.

 

‘’Will you assholes quit your bickering?’’ he muttered.

 

‘’You angry, sarge?’’ Gabe asked.

 

‘’Nah, it’s just annoying.’’

 

‘’You’ve been oddly quiet tonight. Missing your girl?’’

 

‘’I don’t have a girl, and you know that.’’

 

‘’What, you never been in love, sarge?’’ Dum Dum added.

 

‘’Of course I have.’’

 

‘’How’d it end?’’

 

‘’It hasn’t.’’

 

\---

‘’Carter! Put that down!’’ Steve yelled as Carter grabbed a framed picture of Steve and Bucky, from 1938. It had been taken shortly after Steve broke his nose.

 

‘’Steeb.’’ Carter pointed at Steve. Steve smiled. ‘’Yes, that’s me.’’

 

‘’Fwend?’’ Carter pointed at Bucky. Steve’s smile faded. ‘’Yeah, friend.’’ He muttered.

 

‘’Where Steeb fwend?’’

 

‘’He’s in Europe. Like your papa.’’

 

Carter smiled. ‘’Baba.’’

 

Steve turned around so Carter couldn’t see the tears forming in his eyes. He missed Bucky so much. He saw telegrams being delivered every day now, and any one of them could be for him. He hated not knowing how Bucky was doing. He could be dead right now, and Steve wouldn’t even know. He just wanted Bucky to come home. To Steve.

 

‘’Why Steeb cwy?’’ Carter asked.

 

‘’I’m not crying.’’ Steve sniffled.

 

‘’Steeb want fwend?’’

 

Steve smiled. ‘’Yeah, I want my friend.’’

 

‘’I want baba.’’ Carter muttered.

 

‘’Your papa will be home soon.’’ Steve said, unsure.

 

\---

 

_1938_

‘’Sit down.’’ Bucky spat out as he helped Steve into their apartment. Steve sat down in the nearest chair and pinched his nose to try and stop the bleeding.

 

‘’How many times this month now? Four? Five?’’ Bucky said as he walked into the living room, with a pack of frozen peas and a wet cloth. Bucky kneeled in front of him and started dabbing his nose with the damp cloth.

 

‘’F-Five times.’’ Steve muttered, embarrassed. Bucky sighed. He dabbed a little harder, which may have been on accident, but he had that look in his eyes that told Steve it wasn’t.

 

‘’It looks broken. Lay down on the couch.’’ Steve couldn’t help but obey. Now was not the time to protest. ‘’Can you breathe alright?’’ Bucky asked him.

 

‘’You sound like my mom.’’ Steve chuckled. Bucky raised his eyebrow.

 

‘’Yes, I can breathe fine. Jeez, I don’t understand why you’re so worried.’’

 

‘’Are you serious?’’ Bucky turned around. ‘’I’m worried because you are too dumb not to run away from a fight. That guy was twice your size, hell, they always are. One more blow, and he would’ve finished you off.’’ He walked closer, his voice seething with anger.

 

‘’Why do you do this? You don’t need to take care of me, I’m a grown man!’’ Steve yelled or, well, tried to.

 

‘’I do this because I lo-‘’ Bucky stopped in his tracks. ‘’Look, I do this because you’re my best friend. And as much as I don’t want to admit it, my life would suck without you. Just, please, try and stay out of fights for the rest of the month. If not for yourself, for me.’’

 

Steve looked into his eyes. He couldn’t help but wonder what Bucky was going to say at first. Why did he stop himself from saying it?

 

Steve sighed. ‘’I’ll try, just for you. Jerk.’’

 

Bucky smiled. ‘’Punk.’’

 

\---

 

_August 19, 1943_

_Steve_

_I don’t know what I’m doing here. Every day feels like waking up to march to my death. If I’m being honest, dying don’t sound too bad right now. This isn’t how anyone is supposed to live their life. I don’t even remember the last time I took a shower, or had a nice warm meal. I bet even your horrendous cooking would be better than what I have out here._

_No news from the field, all my guys are still alive. And, obviously, so am I. one of them suffered a pretty bad injury though, poor guy had his leg blown off. He’s healing okay, but we all have to pretend we don’t hear him screaming for his mother every night. I hope I don’t ever become like that, mostly because I know I’d be screaming out for you instead of mom._

_That lady sounds lovely, I’m glad you have some company. You were always good with kids. I’d love to meet her, if I make it back._

_Fourth of July was nothing special, we had the day off though. We just hung around camp singing songs. A barbecue sounds so nice right now, you don’t even know._

_I hope you’re well._

_Bucky_

_\---_

**September 20, 1943**

**Bucky**

**It pains me to hear what you’re going through. You’re right, no one is supposed to live like that. I just hope this is all over soon. I can’t wait to see you, and hug you. I don’t doubt for a second that you’ll make it back. You’ve always been a fighter.**

**Laura would love to meet you too. If you asked her, she’d probably say that you’re all I talk about. And she wouldn’t be wrong. She is so lovely. She’s new in the neighbourhood, so we’re in the same situation. Alone, and missing someone.**

**I sent you a drawing of the park we used to go to all the time, remember? That time when we were sixteen and you wouldn’t let me go out because of allergies. I eventually persuaded you to go, but it wasn’t even fun because you were constantly asking if I was okay.**

**I hope you like it.**

**Steve**

 

\---

 

‘’Steve, you can’t live like this. I’m sure he’s fine.’’

 

Steve looked up from his coffee into Laura’s worried eyes. Bucky hadn’t written back in weeks, and Steve was worried sick. It wasn’t like Bucky to just disappear. Steve understood that all operations in the war were top secret, but he’d still like to know. This was Bucky they were talking about, he meant everything to Steve.

 

‘’I think he’s gone, Laura.’’ Steve muttered.

 

Laura sighed and sat down. ‘’Look, I’m sure he has a good reason for not writing back, and I’m sure the reason is not death. Besides, wouldn’t you have received a telegram already?’’

 

Steve shrugged. ‘’I don’t even know if I’d be notified.’’

 

‘’Don’t be ridiculous, of course you’d be notified.’’

 

\---

 

Steve walked around his apartment, exhausted from troubled sleep. Bucky still hadn’t replied, and Steve was getting anxious. He saw more and more telegrams being delivered every single day. He heard the couriers’ speeches, how monotone and rehearsed they were. He saw their wives break down in tears, clutching their children. He saw it all, and dreaded the day he’d be one of them.

 

But he knew the day would come. And no matter how much he prepared, he’d never be ready. He knew how much he’d cry, how he’d scream, how he wouldn’t believe it’s true.

 

His heart sank every time he opened his window to see another courier, with a yellow sheet of paper in hand. Every time they’d walk past his building, and he´d feel a bit relieved.

 

Steve had lost all passion for anything he used to enjoy before. It was like his world was in black and white, with Bucky gone. Bucky was the colour, the brightness in his life.

 

Steve heard a knock on his door, and his breath caught in his throat. Laura would walk straight in. He didn’t know anyone else who might come to visit. Steve hesitantly stood up. His legs felt like lead. He walked slowly to the door, his vision already blurring. He opened the door slowly, and was face to face with a courier.

 

Before Steve could react, the courier was reciting his speech. ‘’We regret to inform you that-‘’

 

‘’How?’’

 

‘’Excuse me?’’

 

‘’How did he die?’’ Steve mumbled through gritted teeth.

 

‘’He’s been missing for over a month now. Prisoner of war. I’m sorry kid.’’ the courier said and handed Steve the telegram. The courier started to walk away but then he seemed to

 remember something and he turned back around.

 

‘’They found this, at his old camp.’’

 

It was an envelope, thicker than before. Steve flipped it around to look at the front. It had Steve’s address on it, in Bucky’s beautiful handwriting, but in the corner it said: _If I die._

Steve’s eyes flooded with tears. ‘’Thank you.’’ he croaked before closing the door. His wobbly legs carried him to the couch, where he eventually collapsed.

 

He choked out a loud sob. He hadn’t felt like this since his mom died.

 

Steve would never see Bucky again. He would ever be able to tell him how he felt. Steve liked to think that once the war would end and Bucky returned, he’d have told him. Because Bucky going to war put things into perspective for him, and he shouldn’t have waited.

 

Steve hated himself for waiting so long. He kept sobbing, and clutching the letter. He wasn’t ready to open it. Opening it would mean saying goodbye to Bucky, forever. What would the letter even say?

 

Steve heard the door open. It was Laura.

 

‘’Is he-‘’

 

Steve nodded, his eyes filling up with tears once again. Laura took a deep breath.

 

‘’I’m sorry, Steve. So sorry.’’ she wrapped her arms around him. Steve didn’t say anything, he just pulled Laura tighter as he cried into her shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, Laura’s dress getting wet with tears. Steve heard her sniffle.

 

Steve was exhausted from crying.  Once he pulled away from Laura, he felt dizzy. Before he knew it, his head was resting on her shoulder, fast asleep.

 

\---

 

Steve woke up alone in his apartment. He sat up, and remembered what had happened. He just couldn’t believe it. He’d hoped it was just a bad dream, but it was all too real.

 

His apartment was dark, he must’ve slept through the day. Laura had laid a blanket over him before she left, because of the cold. Steve removed the blanket and sat up. On the table laid an envelope.

 

Bucky’s letter.

 

He hadn’t opened it when he first got it, he was too scared. But Steve knew he’d have to come to terms with it eventually. He hesitantly reached out for the envelope.

 

His shaky hands opened the envelope and pulled out a letter.

 

_Dear Steve_

_I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I assume you’ve already gotten the telegram._

_I’m so sorry Steve. I really am. I promised you I’d come home, and I never break my promises. Except this one. Please, don’t cry. I’m not worth your tears. If the telegram didn’t tell you, please assume I died heroically. Like, falling out of a train while shooting at Nazis. If the telegram told you, I hope it was heroic._

_There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but never have. You deserve to know._

_Steve, I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you. Hell, since before I even knew what love was. You don’t know this, but I used to watch you from afar before I introduced myself. I admired you. I still do. I admired the way you didn’t let yourself be pushed around. If I had been in your footsteps, I would’ve given them what they wanted and then ran away._

_You’re incredibly brave, Steve, braver than I ever will be._

_The first time I looked into your eyes I almost fainted. They were so beautiful, so clear and so full of determination. I felt unworthy of your gaze. I don’t remember being friends with you without being in love with you. Why I never did anything, I don’t know._

_When we first met, you had a light in your eyes. I want to save that light forever. And you’ve never lost that light, even with everything you’ve been through. It’s darkened at times, sure, but it’s always there._

_Every time I look into your eyes, my knees go weak. Your ocean eyes. Every time you smile, I smile too. You radiate light, all around you. I’m sorry that such few people see that._

_Remember that time you broke your nose? I almost told you then. But I didn’t, and I hate myself for that every day. I like to think that if I’d have told you, things wouldn’t be like this. Sometimes, in my dreams, you love me back. If only dreams were reality._

_Everything I do is for you, Steve. It’s all for you. I’m fighting this war, so you don’t have to. I don’t think I could live with myself, if you’d have come here._

_You’re the only thing that keeps me sane. The thought of you, waiting for me, is what gets me out of bed in the morning. I wanted to grow old with you, Steve. It’s all I’ve ever wanted._

_But you know what the worst part is? I’m going to die, and it won’t even be for you. But I guarantee you that you were my last thought. When my life flashes before my eyes, it’s going to be you. All you._

_Because you are my life, Steve. I’m nothing without you. You give me a purpose. You make me a better man._

_When you said that you felt like you needed to prove yourself to me, that stung. Because you don’t need to prove anything. You’ve never had to. I’ve had the utmost faith in you forever. I just wish that you would see what I see. I see a beautiful man, with a beautiful heart. I see courage, selflessness and humanity. Which makes me look like a fool._

_I’m selfish, Steve. Whenever girls deny your advances I feel a little happier. I can’t help but want you all for myself. You don’t deserve that. I hope that changes. I hope you find yourself a beautiful wife, and you will have beautiful kids. I hope your wife cherishes you and respects you. I hope she takes care of you, like I did._

_Remember when it was just you and me, against the world? Now, it’s the world against us. And it’s a difficult battle. But it’s one I’m willing to fight._

_I love you. Don’t ever forget it. Don’t ever forget me._

_I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll be waiting._

_Bucky Barnes, signing off._

Steve read the letter again, and again, and again. His entire body was shaking, and he could hardly breathe.

 

Bucky loved him. But Bucky was gone. Forever.

 

Steve felt numb. He wished he’d said something sooner. How was Steve supposed to just go on, without Bucky? His life didn’t have a purpose without Bucky.

 

Bucky was incredibly brave, writing a letter like that when anyone could read it and punish him.

 

The thought of what could’ve happened if Steve had confessed earlier kept running through his mind. He placed the letter on his counter, next to his sketchbook, filled with drawings of Bucky.

 

Since Bucky was missing, his body wouldn’t be shipped to America. Steve wouldn’t even be able to give him a proper funeral. He wouldn’t get to see his face, one last time. Since Bucky was missing, they didn’t even have confirmation of his death. It was just assumed. There was still a small part of Steve that hoped they were wrong, that Bucky was still out there, waiting to escape. Waiting to come home.


	2. Chapter 2

_1936_

‘’Steve?’’ Bucky yelled as he walked around the apartment, looking for Steve. ‘’I haven’t seen you in days, where are you?’’

 

Steve didn’t answer. He just laid in bed, day in and day out. He hadn’t been sleeping because whenever his eyes closed he only saw his mother, laying on the bed as white as a sheet. Sometimes she was covered in blood. Sometimes she was still clinging on to life, reaching out to Steve but before he could reach back her hand fell down, lifeless. He didn’t have the energy, nor the willpower to eat or take care of himself.

 

Bucky eventually found Steve under his tower of blankets.

 

‘’Have you slept at all?’’ he asked, clearly concerned. Steve shook his head slowly. ‘’Have you been eating?’’ Bucky asked again. Steve didn’t answer.

 

‘’Steve, come on. You know better than this.’’

 

‘’What’s the point?’’ Steve whispered. Bucky simply shook his head and left the room.

 

Around five minutes later he returned with some plain toast and water. ‘’Eat.’’

 

Steve reluctantly sat up and took the toast from his hands. Bucky sat down on the bed and sighed when Steve didn’t seem to plan to eat it.

 

 ‘’I’m not leaving until you eat.’’

 

Steve slowly raised the toast, maintaining eye contact with Bucky as he took a bite. As much as he hated to admit it, he was starving and plain toast never tasted so good. He ate the slice quickly and saw Bucky sigh with relief. A few moments passed by in silence before Bucky spoke again.

 

‘’Steve, you can’t keep going like this. You need to come to terms with it. I know it’s hard, but she wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve so long.’’

 

‘’I know, I just- I feel so empty, without her. I really miss her.’’

 

‘’I miss her too. Her funeral is next week, and you need to be healthy and prepared for that.’’

 

Steve shuddered at the thought. ‘’You know I don’t have the money for that.’’

 

Bucky chuckled. ‘’You think I’m not going to help?’’

 

‘’Bucky no, I don’t want your mo-‘’

 

‘’Steve, come on, it’s the least I could do. Just let me help.’’

 

‘’Fine.’’

 

Bucky smiled. ‘’You should get some sleep, pal. I’m gonna go, I’ll be back in a couple hours to check up on you.’’

 

‘’No, please don’t go.’’ Steve said before he realized. He blushed and tried to smile. ‘’Unless it’s important.’’

 

‘’No. No it’s not.’’ Bucky sat down on the bed. ‘’I’m right here, pal.’’

 

\---

 

Steve slowly opened his eyes and tried to adjust to the light hitting his eyes. He laid on the couch, and he didn’t remember how he got there. He had a massive headache, so he decided to not stand up or try to move.

 

He heard the door open, and a familiar voice called out a few moments later.

 

‘’Steve?’’

 

Steve didn’t respond, instead he stayed on the couch, waiting to be found. The person shook him, and he opened his eyes.

 

‘’Bucky?’’ he mumbled.

 

‘’Steve.’’ He heard the voice say.

 

‘’Bucky.’’ He smiled. ‘’I thought you were dead.’’

 

‘’Steve, it’s me.’’ The person kept shaking him. Steve fully opened his eyes, and realized it wasn’t Bucky, but Laura.

 

‘’What is up with you? I haven’t seen you in days, and when I check up on you, your whole apartment is full of bottles? I’ve never seen you drink before, Steve. It’s not good for you.’’

 

She knelt down at his side. ‘’I know you’re sad, and you have every right to be, but he wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve for so long. He’d have wanted you to move on. Not forget him, but move on.’’

 

‘’It’s not fair.’’ Steve muttered. ‘’I should’ve been out there. I should’ve done my duty, as every other man is doing. Laura, I want to be alone right now.’’ he snapped.

 

‘’Steve-‘’

 

‘’Please.’’

 

Laura reluctantly stood up. ‘’I’ll be checking up on you in a few hours.’’

 

As she left Steve stood up and grabbed the nearest bottle. He’d never been a drinker, he got drunk too fast and it made him immensely sick but he just didn’t care anymore. He took a swig from the bottle and felt the warmth in his whole body, a warmth he’d become familiar with the past few days.

 

He wasn’t proud of what he was doing. He wished he’d never started. But there was something so comforting in just forgetting, forgetting who you are even if only for a few hours. And he knew Laura was right. She always was. But he didn’t even want to take care of himself. Why should he? He had nothing to live for.

 

Steve grabbed a new bottle and took it to the couch. He took a large sip and grimaced at the bitter taste but welcomed the feeling it brought. He kept taking sips, until his vision started to blur and his head leaned back onto the couch.

 

\---

 

Steve woke up in a white room, on a small metal bed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a nurse, clearly busy with something. He laid  still, trying to remember the past few days. He remembered Laura being disappointed, he remembered drinking, and Bucky. Whenever he was reminded of Bucky’s death he felt like he was receiving the news all over again.

 

‘’Good morning, Mr. Rogers.’’ the nurse smiled at him.

 

‘’Where am I?’’ Steve asked, although the smell, the room was familiar. Too familiar.

 

‘’You were brought here because of alcohol poisoning.’’ The nurse told him.

 

‘’Who brought me here?’’

 

‘’She said her name was Laura. She’ll be here soon to see you.’’

 

Steve nodded. He smiled at the nurse as she left the room, or tried to. He just felt so numb, so heartbroken. It was the same feeling as when his mother died, but now Bucky wasn’t there to hold him. And that was the worst feeling in the world.

 

\---

 

**November 1, 1943**

**Dearest Bucky**

**A week since I received your letter. I’m not doing well. You remember how I’m not good with alcohol? Yeah. I got drunk. It did not make me any happier, though I don’t know why I thought it would. I miss you, a lot. More than I did before I lost you completely. Perhaps because this time, you’re not coming back. I honestly believed you would always be here with me, and I expected that you’d have to say goodbye to me, not the other way around. That’s what makes this a hundred times worse. I didn’t expect it, I wasn’t prepared.**

**If what they say is true, that you’re watching over me, then you know I was in love with you. I am. Always will be. Perhaps my biggest regret is that I never told you. I never thought you loved me too. I didn’t want to ruin it. But it wouldn’t have. It would’ve been better, wouldn’t it?**

**People always say how they feel like their world stops, when they lose a loved one. I don’t. The grass keeps growing, it rains, it snows. People work, people laugh, people cry. The stars shine, the birds fly. The world goes on. As if nothing’s happened. The world expects you to just continue where you left off. But I can’t. I can’t, knowing you were taken away from me so soon.**

**I can’t sleep, knowing you slept just on the other side of the wall. So many times I wanted to climb into your bed, hold you and never let go. I was afraid. Look where that got me. I should have been there with you. I should have been there instead of you. I had nothing to live for anyway. Except you. You had so much to live for. Your family, friends, all of it.**

**I won’t forget you, ever. I love you. I always will.**

**Steve.**

**\---**

_1941_

‘’Steve, that’s quite a lovely drawing. It would be a shame if someone were to smudge it.’’ Bucky smirked at Steve across his desk. 

‘’Don’t you dare.’’ Steve took the drawing and held it high above his head. Not that it would make much of a difference. Bucky raised his eyebrow and reached for the drawing.

 

‘’I’ll yell.’’ Steve warned.

 

Bucky chuckled. ‘’You were always the teachers pet.’’

 

Steve smiled, but turned so Bucky couldn’t see it. ‘’Shut up.’’

 

In that moment, Steve heard the radio.

 

‘ _’The United States of America have officially joined the war_.’’

 

Everyone in the classroom turned around, including Steve and Bucky. Steve saw the terror on some of the student’s faces. They’d all heard about the horrors of the war. Soldiers were being massacred out there.

 

Steve turned to Bucky. ‘’I have to enlist.’’

 

‘’Steve-‘’ Bucky protested.

 

‘’Bucky. Just let me do this. I _need_ to fight for what’s right.’’ Steve stopped him.

 

‘’There’s plenty other ways to help!’’ Bucky insisted.

 

‘’Yeah? Like what? Collecting scrap metal?’’ Steve snapped. Bucky nodded. ‘’Bucky, _come on,_ you know I can’t stay here collecting scrap metal! You-you know me. You know how I am.’’

 

Bucky nodded, exasperated. ‘’I just- I just don’t want to lose you.’’

 

Steve looked into Bucky’s eyes. Bucky’s eyes glanced down for a moment before meeting his.

 

‘’You won’t lose me, hey now.’’ Steve tried to reassure him.

 

‘’How do you know that?’’ Bucky whispered.

 

Steve looked to the floor. ‘’I don’t.’’

 

Bucky sighed. ‘’Exactly.’’ Steve looked up again and saw something in Bucky’s eyes. Fear, possibly?

 

‘’Bucky, please.’’ Steve pleaded.

 

‘’Fine. But I’m going with you.’’

 

\---

 

When Steve got home from the hospital all he could do was sit on the couch, doing nothing at all. He didn’t feel compelled, nor inspired to do anything he once enjoyed so much. He’d tried to draw, but he always found himself sketching the same curve of a smile, the same nose and the same eyes. He would get lost in the strokes of his pencil, and before he knew it Bucky was on his paper. But still, Steve was disappointed. He just wanted the real thing.

 

 But Bucky  was gone, and there was no getting him back.

 

 Never again would he tease Steve about getting into fights, ruffle his hair and give him that charming smile. Never again would he hug Steve as tight as he could, and cry on his shoulder. Steve would never again be able to cry into Bucky’s chest, which was all he wanted to do at that moment.

 

He wouldn’t see Bucky grow up, grow old. Steve would never be able to tease Bucky when his hair starts going grey, and he won’t be able to walk like he used to.

 

Steve and Bucky always thought Bucky would have to go through losing Steve, never the other way around. That wasn’t even a thought. Bucky would bury Steve, that was a fact. Something they’d come to terms with long ago.

 

Steve wished Laura had never taken him to the hospital. He wished she never walked into his apartment at exactly the right time, because that would mean that he wouldn’t be alive right now, and that sounded better than anything.

 

He’d be back with Bucky.

 

  _His_ Bucky.

 

\---

 

Bucky’s eyes were half open as he mumbled words he couldn’t decipher himself. He’d been between two realms of consciousness for the last few days. He could remember a little bit, sharp pain all over his body and a man murmuring in German. He didn’t know where he was, when he got there or what was being done to him. All he could feel was the hard surface he laid on top of, and occasional jabs of pain.

 

The German man suddenly left the room, seeming rather frantic. Bucky didn’t think much of this, he just hoped that didn’t mean more pain for a little while. Bucky remained on the table, when suddenly a man he didn’t recognize entered the large room. He shook Bucky by the shoulders, desperately trying to get him conscious.

 

‘’Sergeant Barnes!’’ he exclaimed as Bucky got a better look at him.

 

Bucky saw blonde hair, and there was something familiar about those eyes.

 

 _‘’Steve?’’_ he asked. He blinked a couple times, trying to regain full consciousness.

 

As he got a better look at the male in front of him, his heart sank. He saw brown eyes, and brown hair. This wasn’t Steve, Bucky had just hallucinated. Bucky looked down and up again. This man was tall and buff, he had a strong grip on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

‘’We have to move. Lean on me.’’ the man stated and placed Bucky’s arm around  his shoulder. Bucky took shaky steps, before regaining feeling in his legs and being able to walk a bit on his own.

 

The man took him outside, where Bucky could see the rest of his division lined up. A smile spread across his lips once he recognized his friends. The man gave him a small smile before leaving to talk to someone at the front of the line.

 

‘’What did they do to you, Barnes?’’ Gabe asked. Bucky shrugged, because he truly didn’t know. He leaned onto Dum Dum’s shoulder, feeling a bit of fatigue.

 

‘’We’re marching back to base.’’ Dum Dum told him.

 

‘’Who is that guy?’’ Bucky asked his friends.

 

‘’Don’t know his name, but people call him Captain America. Used to do shows to get the public to support the troops. With dancing and everything.’’ Gabe chuckled. Dum Dum snickered at this.

 

‘’Is he naturally so- buff?’’ Bucky wondered, more as a rhetorical question for himself.

 

‘’Super soldier serum.’’ Gabe said quietly. Bucky raised his eyebrows, urging him to elaborate.

 

‘’He was small, frail and weak, but he was injected with something and now he’s strong and big and brave.’’ Dum Dum explained. At that moment the line started moving to go back to base.

 

 _Steve should have gotten that,_ was the thought that kept running Bucky’s mind as he marched back alongside his fellow soldiers.

 

\---

 

_1936_

Bucky watched Steve as he watched his mother’s coffin get lowered into her grave next to her husband. Bucky saw he single tear running down Steve’s face. They were alone at her funeral, except two workers who left as soon as their jobs were done. Bucky hesitantly walked closer to Steve, stopping when just a few inches separated their sides. They said nothing for a while.

 

Suddenly, Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand and held it tight. Bucky looked at Steve’s face, and he was silently crying. He closed his eyes as more tears flowed down his face, biting his trembling lip.

 

‘’You okay, pal?’’ Bucky muttered. Steve didn’t reply. They both knew the answer.

 

After some time Steve said he was ready to leave, and Bucky offered to walk him home.

 

‘’Buck, you don’t need to-‘’

 

‘’I _want_ to.’’ Bucky reassured Steve. Steve muttered his thanks and they begun their walk to Steve’s place. Bucky attempted a few jokes, which got a small smile from Steve, and at one point, a chuckle.

 

Once they got closer to Steve’s place, Bucky spoke up again. ‘’You know, I was going to ask-‘’

 

‘’I know what you’re going to say, Buck.’’ Steve muttered.

 

‘’We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids.’’ Bucky tried to protest as Steve began scrambling to find his key. ‘’It’ll be fun, all you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash once in a while.’’ Bucky said, turning around and kicking a brick to the side, revealing another key to Steve’s apartment. He picked up the key and held it in front of Steve’s face. ‘’Come on.’’

 

Steve took the key from his hands, examining it for a little while. ‘’Thank you Buck, but I can get by on my own.’’ Steve looked into his eyes.

 

‘’The thing is, you don’t have to.’’ Bucky sighed and placed an arm on Steve’s shoulder. ‘’I’m with you till the end of the line, pal.’’

 

Steve sighed, and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for literally not updating for three months, and for the short chapter. i have plans for what's going to happen, i just wanted to get something up <3


	3. Chapter 3

Steve eventually stopped checking the mailbox, stopped caring. He’d still hoped, _hoped_ that with a shimmer of luck the army had been wrong, they’d had the wrong man. But the army was always right. Right? Sometimes he saw him, walking along the streets of New York, at the cinema, the store, or even his apartment. But Steve would blink, and he’d be gone. He saw Carter and Laura less and less now. Her husband had come back home injured and they spent every moment together. Steve didn’t blame them.

 

He’d met her husband once and while he was a wonderful man, Steve couldn’t help but wish that he was Bucky.

 

Oh, how Steve wished he was in Bucky’s arms. He wished to see Bucky smile at Steve doing something particularly stupid, he wished to see Bucky furrow his eyebrows looking at their pantry before going to the store. He wished to hold Bucky’s hand, and kiss him softly. He wished to never let Bucky out of his sight ever again.

 

But wishes are pretend, and Steve knew that. He knew that it wasn’t possible, that Bucky was gone forever. Still, when he woke up all alone it stung like new.

 

\---

 

On the anniversary of his mother’s death Steve woke up shaking. It was a gloomy Wednesday, and the weather perfectly reflected how Steve was feeling. He made himself some tea and sat down on his sofa. He contemplated spending what little money he had left for the week on some flowers for his mother. He could go a few days without food, he’d done that so many times. He could also pick some flowers from a park nearby the cemetery. After reflecting for a while Steve decided his mother would have hand-picked flowers, so Steve would too. _Spend money on things you really need, everything else will come to you,_ she’d say. Steve smiled fondly at the memory.

 

A few hours later Steve strolled into the cemetery, dressed in his best clothes and holding a bouquet in his hands. Finding his mothers grave, he gently placed the flowers by his headstone and sat down.

 

‘’Hey ma.’’ he whispered. ‘’I missed you.’’

 

Steve wrapped his arms around his knees, squeezing gently. ‘’I’m not doing so good.’’ he continued. ‘’Never been so bad, to be honest. I’m all alone now. Bucky’s gone, ma. Died overseas. It’s been a while, but it hurts. It always hurts. I hope you’ve seen him.’’

 

Steve wiped away a few tears that streamed down his cheeks. ‘’How are you doing, ma? I hope you’re well. You deserve it. I can’t wait to see you again.’’ Steve sighed.

 

He sat there in silence for a few minutes, contemplating what to say. He wanted to say only the right things, because he could feel his mother’s presence around him. He knew she heard him. He almost felt her warm hand on his cold shoulder.

 

‘’You were in love, weren’t you?’’ he blurted out. ‘’So was I. I loved him more than anything, and he loved me too. It hurts, ma. It hurts so bad. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before.’’

 

Steve could see his mother’s warm smile, hear her saying it’s alright. Things would eventually be alright. And they would, it just takes a little time.

 

\---

 

_1934_

‘’Hey miss Rogers.’’ Steve heard his best friend enter their small place. He shot up excitedly, having missed his best friend an incredible amount.

 

‘’Bucky!’’ he exclaimed, coming into the living room and embracing his friend. ‘’I missed you so much.’’

 

‘’I missed you too.’’ Bucky laughed, stroking Steve’s back. ‘’I never enjoy going up there if you’re not with me.’’

 

Steve rolled his eyes. ‘’We’ve been over this. It’s _family time.’’_

‘’Mom thinks you’re family.’’ Bucky challenged his statement and Steve felt his heart swell. He turned away so Bucky couldn’t see the red tint across his cheeks. ‘’Besides, there’s nothing there to do. Jersey is better than that place.’’

 

‘’Don’t say that.’’ Steve warned.

 

‘’Why?’’ Bucky chuckled.

 

‘’You know no place is worse than Jersey.’’ Steve tried to deadpan, but he felt a smile tug at his lips and before he knew it, they had burst out into fits of laughter.

 

‘’You don’t know what you’re saying!’’ Bucky said, after the laughter had died down.

 

‘’As someone who has been to Jersey, yes I do.’’ Steve grinned.

 

Bucky shook his head in amusement.

 

‘’I missed you, Stevie.’’

 

\---

 

 

‘’Steve?’’ he heard someone enter his apartment. He stood up and walked out of his room to find Laura standing there. Her mouth stretched into a warm smile as she walked over to embrace him. ‘’How are you doing?’’ she asked, face buried in his hair.

 

‘’Could be better.’’ Steve muttered, pulling away and running a hand through his hair. Laura nodded understandingly. ‘’Things will be okay, I know it.’’ she smiled that infectious smile. Steve couldn’t help but smile too.

 

‘’How have you been? Want a cup of tea?’’ Steve asked, leading her into his kitchen and gesturing to a chair.

 

‘’Wonderful! And I’ll definitely take a tea.’’ she nodded. ‘’Carter is getting so big, he’s talking nonstop.’’

 

Steve smirked. He missed that little lad.

 

‘’You should come for dinner sometime, my husband really wants to get to know you better. And Carter misses you.’’ Laura said, giving Steve a grateful smile as he handed her a steaming mug.

 

‘’I will soon.’’ Steve nodded, taking a sip out of his own mug. ‘’Listen, I’m sorry for driving you away. Life has just been a bit much recently.’’

 

Laura swayed her mug around, observing as the tea almost spilled on the floor. ‘’I understand.’’ she finally said. ‘’It’s hard, you know. Losing someone.’’

 

Steve nodded. He knew that all too well.

 

‘’I lost my brother.’’ she continued. ‘’Two years ago. All they found of him was a hand.’’

 

 

Steve’s head shot up. ‘’I’m sorry.’’

 

‘’It’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it.’’ Laura said. ‘’My point is, I know how it feels, and I can help you. Just let me help you.’’

 

Steve nodded. ‘’I will.’’

 

He wasn’t lying. His grief had gone too far and he needed to get out of this slum.

 

Laura stood up and gave Steve another hug.

 

‘’How long has it been since you opened your mailbox?’’ she raised an eyebrow at him as she pulled away from the hug. Steve shrugged. ‘’A couple weeks.’’

 

‘’It’s jam packed. Let me go get it for you.’’

 

She didn’t wait for an answer, instead she turned on the spot and swiftly leaving his apartment for only a minute before returning, hands full of various newspapers and envelopes. ‘’You need to go through this.’’ she dropped the stack on the table in front of him.

 

Not speaking, Steve smiled and grabbed a stack of envelopes. He didn’t recognize the writing on any of them, no doubt they were from art school. He let out a breath and threw them back onto the table when another envelope caught his eye.

 

It was worn, with three stamps on it. There was a coffee stain on the corner. Steve could feel his throat tighten as he grabbed it to examine it further.

 

He recognized the handwriting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my uploading has been whack and i apologize but i'm finally back in a writing mood so expect some stuff to come soon, if not this fic then def some other stevebucky goodness <3


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